The Importance of a Child

As usual, some of my best writing ideas don't originate from me. and this one is no different, I have to credit my husband. We recently became godparents of the most intelligent, advanced, and handsome little boy in the world. I am sure you all can relate to these feelings. No other baby can measure up to this one baby in our minds, second to our own children.

However, as we have watched this little one grow and develop, we have also watched his parents become parents. Before his birth, we used to sit around and give sage little bits of advice like, “Sleep in now, you won’t have a chance to for a long time,” or “run every errand you can think of now, because taking out a baby is like mobilizing an army unit, and sometimes best not done,”  or "You should read some parenting books and discover your style." We would laugh at ourselves and they would laugh at us and ignore us and everyone was happy.

Then the baby came and they realized we were’t joking before when we had given our little bits of wisdom. They were tired, overwhelmed, and seemed adrift for a while. They hadn't read books like we had recommended, they hadn’t thought about a parenting style like we had recommended, and definitely seemed bogged down in the daily diaper changes and feeding schedules.

Then my husband sat down with them and asked a question that he was clear had no right or wrong answer. It was the single-most discerning question I had ever heard asked and the answer would allow all things to flow in an orderly clear manner. He asked, “Where does your baby fall into your life? Is he more important then you all are, is he the same importance, or is he less important?”

They were caught, like deer in headlights, really considering the deeper meaning of the question. And now that I have heard it, I think every new set of parents should answer this question honestly and thoroughly, as it will direct almost all of the decisions they make about their child, parenting style, schooling decisions, etc. And with each subsequent child, it’s a great question to ask as well.

I want to be clear that this question does not mean there is any difference in love for your child, or that there will be any different outcome in success for your family. What it means is that you will have a clear rubric for decisions and be unified on those decisions. It means when the baby is screaming at 2 o’clock in the morning there will be no fighting about how to deal with it, as you all have already decided. It means when it comes time to chose an enrichment activity for your child, there will be no waffling or uncertainty, you will already know which ones fit in your life and schedule.

Let me give you an example of this. Let’s say you have a 4 month old baby that has difficulty sleeping at night and going to bed on his own. If you have said your baby is more important than you, the answer is to cuddle, walk around, or really do anything that meets your baby’s need for sleep without regard to your own. If your answer was equally important, then you might bring your baby to bed with you and let him fuss a little but overall, allow both you and the baby to get some sleep, maybe neither one getting as much as they want, but reaching a happy medium. Then again if you said less impertinent, then you might adopt the popular strategy of allowing them to cry it out for 10 minute increments with intermittent soothing to allow them to sleep and allow yours to follow uninterrupted.

Neither of these scenarios is right or wrong, in and of themselves. What is right or wrong is how they mesh with your opinions and family needs. Let’s give another example. Your baby is now a year old and you are considering whether to go back to work. If your answer was more important, well, you would stay home or work a shared schedule with your spouse so that your child’s caregiving would be uninterrupted. If you said as important, you might choose a part-time, or reduced hour job where there was some interruption to caregiving but it was minimal, and if your answer was less important, than you might go back to your full-time job and find a good day care facility. Again, none of these are right or wrong, they are different, and need to be decided upon considering the needs of your family.

I think we have too much pressure in our society today to say we place more importance on our children but then to actually require parents to act like they are less important. We are appalled if a parent voiced they are placing less importance on their child, but then companies don’t offer good maternity or paternity leave plans. They are unwilling to offer flexible work hours and demand lots of overtime. This can set up frustration and resentment in parents that children will unconsciously pick up on. The key is to think about the answer to the question, answer it honestly, and then let it direct you future decisions.

Now I am sure that everyone interested in homeschooling is wondering how this ties in with homeschooling, but it does. Making educational decisions for your children is just as important as any other type of parenting decision. Deciding to homeschool takes the same care as deciding whether to put your child in day care. Forgoing the income of one parent is putting your child in the more important category for most of us. Also if you decide that your child is less important, a good school with plenty of support is probably the right answer. If you homeschool, again it might breed resentment and frustration that your family is forgoing vacations, new cars, etc. that it might need, because of a loss of income.

In other words, know yourself, know your goals, know your family. Answer this question honestly and you will find that decisions are easier and your goals are achieved. But not to answer the question can lead to its own frustrations and lack of direction in life which can be just as crippling, when goals aren't met and there isn't any clear direction. And again, there is no right or wrong, only what is right or wrong for your family.

The Benefits of Helicopter Parenting

        I have been dismayed recently to see the backlash against helicopter parenting, including the negative commentaries, dire warnings of raising twisted children, and the detrimental effects to the parents themselves. Why the dismay? Well, I proudly proclaim myself a helicopter parent. Since day one with my children, I have hovered and clung, while at the same time being a happy and fulfilled parent raising normal and healthy, well-adjusted, independent kids.

In fact as a pediatrician, I stand by this parenting style and recommended it to my patients enthusiastically and often. I feel it is a natural extension of attachment parenting, that addresses the infant and toddler stages but mysteriously drops off at school age. In fact before I had heard the term helicopter parenting, I had invented my own word for it, sticky tape parenting. But whatever it is called, I felt that my children deserved the close attention that I paid to them as infants at any stage of development including the teenage years.

But nowadays, helicopter parenting is reviled and scorned. It is criticized and deemed harmful and repressive. I have read several articles discussing helicopter parenting and gradually the light dawned. I found the term helicopter parenting has become perverted to cover a whole host of parental problems from excessive anxiety to living vicariously through their children. It no longer refers to simply watching and waiting, but to swooping in and rescuing. Because of this, I submit that this type of parenting be renamed as Coast Guard parenting, complete with rescue maneuvers, search and seizure, and unannounced intervention.

Coast Guard parents will not allow their kids to fail, they interfere and intervene stopping children from developing coping mechanisms of their own while they also heap anxiety and stress upon their children. Helicopter parents on the other hand, simply hover and watch. When children fail, they land and teach, offering suggestions and learning techniques for future missions. They do not intervene unless its for the safety of the child and certainly do not direct the behavior of the child. However, by always being present, everything the child does can be used as a teaching moment. Nothing is lost and the parent is involved and clued into a child’s needs and wants.

For example, I read an article where a mother was sitting at a playground watching her pre-schooler attempt a ladder that was clearly too hard for his developmental level. She labeled another mom as a “helicopter parent” for coming over to her and expressing concern for her child’s safety and then watched the other parent go try to redirect her child and remove him from the ladder. I again submit to you this was not a helicopter parent. It was a coast guard parent. She was sending the message to the child that he wasn't capable of trying the harder ladder. Her anxieties of a failure, whether that was a fall or other injury, were being portrayed to the child, and then she was squelching independence by choosing another activity of the adult’s choice.

Also, the parent sitting on the bench on the other side of the playground, was also not parenting responsibly, as she needed another parent to point out to her what was going on. So where does that leave us? With the middle of the road, helicopter parent approach. A true helicopter parent would have been hovering in the background, not too close, but within range and would have known exactly what their child was attempting. There would have been no attempts at redirection of the parent’s choice, no communication of anxiety or expectations of failure, but there would have been a closeness in which when the failure occurred, the parent could come in and pick up the child immediately and sooth them. Then maybe a learning moment could have ensued where the parent could point out what made that particular ladder so difficult. Comparisons could have been made with other equipment to start the child discerning on his own. Maybe coping strategies could be laid out and alternatives suggested for the next time, and finally empathy could be taught for when another child falls, the child could draw parallels with what they felt.

A helicopter parent would release the child back on the playground and watch them either tackle the same thing again with perseverance, or choose another activity independently. At no time was the child redirected at the parents wishes or exposed to anxiety about their activities. This is helicopter parenting, always being aware of everything your child does so that you can use these moments. 

And of course, I can use this to make another plug for homeschooling. Unless you are the aide in the classroom every day, all day, if you don’t homeschool your children, you are losing teaching time everyday that you are abdicating to others, and I am talking about more than the ‘book’ time usually thought of as teaching time. You lose these times where education can make the difference between raising anxious, loss-aversive children, to raising confident children that have developed coping strategies. If this playground scene had been at pre-school, there would have been no opportunities for teaching coping mechanisms, strategy communication, or education in empathy as the interaction would have been forgotten in the myriad of other things that happened during the school day.

While I don't advocate interference and “over-parenting” simply hovering and watching isn’t wrong. It’s how you use the information gathered. So yay for helicopter parenting. Join with me in proclaiming the benefits and successes of being child-focused and child-oriented.

Why Homeschool?

       After years of homeschooling my children, teaching at homeschooling co-ops, and writing about homeschooling, the question I get asked the most is ironically the one that I have the hardest time answering. There are a lot of frequently asked questions like, Are you allowed to do it?, How do your children get socialized?, and my personal favorite, How can you spend all day every day with your children? But this one question is the most frequent - Why did you decide to homeschool?

On the surface there are many answers and every family will give a slightly different one, from wanting to control the content of their child’s curriculum, to meeting the special needs of their child, to concern about underperforming schools. While all of these are valid concerns and do figure into the equation of why to homeschool, there is one underlying one reason why all of us homeschoolers are doing it. 

We don’t speak about it, we rarely share it, and we sometimes feel ashamed about it. What is the reason, you ask. It is simply the desire to share everything with our children, the undying need to be around them all hours of the day, and to feel the desire to be with our children. That’s it? people respond when I voice this and immediately ask questions trying to figure out where it is more complicated than I make it out to be. But it really isn’t.

Sure, we have all these highbrow reasons that make sense, but the unifying reason that most homeschooling parents share is the enjoyment of being with their children. Sharing the excitement of when your child first reads, understands multiplication, or recites the first poem they wrote, is what fuels us. Instead of a hectic morning routine, we can snuggle in bed with our offspring choosing to attack the day a little later than usual. When the kids are grumpy, there is no fussing through homework, forcing them to complete a project that is due. When you, the homeschooling parent is grumpy or not feeling well, there are no deadlines that are imposed by others, no places that you HAVE to be.

This is an oversimplification I know. As a homeschooling parent of 19 years, I had deadlines, outside commitments, and plenty of grumpy kid and parent days where I had to go do, but our underlying life was a little more simple. A homeschooling family can afford to slow down a bit and enjoy life, reteach concepts that were missed, or simply take a deep dive into subjects of particular interest. The reduced pressure from outside sources and the extra time can allow a child to pursue their passions and develop interests that simply aren’t possible when outside sources dictate your schedule. 

Also, homeschooling families are typically more bonded simply due to the extra time spent together. Siblings become playmates and families become the center of the social circle with peer pressure becoming less influential. This closeness and relative decreased pressure shared by all homeschoolers gives us a common ground making for more diverse groups and the promotion of more tolerance than is found in other groups. At any homeschooling conference you will find families homeschooling for religious reasons, special needs, and secular concerns all mingling and chatting together, sharing ideas and making friends. 

So, why do I and many other families homeschool? Look beyond the obvious intellectual answers and delve into our parental emotions - we just aren’t willing to sacrifice any of the already too little time we are given with our children before they grow up and head out into the world on their own.